The moment i hit the last note in the star spangled banner i was shot with a mixture of anxiety and adreneline. As i struggled for breathe, the note was all that mattered to me. It was an in-discribable feeling, it was like a natural high.
Now its Sunday of homecoming week. And it was amazing. I had a ton of fun this week despite having zero school spirit. tmatl
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
My 15th birthday
Ok so i don't want to really remember it all. It was so long, but i think it was kind of worth it in the end. In a way or too.
So the day before was a nightmare but i got through it just like the week leading up to it. My contacts were an issue and I've decided i just don't want them. My family hurt me and I'm getting over it. They did.
There were so many dance lesson leading up to it and i now know i shouldn't have asked my friends to do it. They didn't want to so i feel really bad that i made them do it, if i could go back I'd just have talked my cousins and family friends into doing it.
:The day of i got up early and let R.B. sleep in. I got to the salon and picked out what hair style i wanted and a nice girl who was getting ready for her friends quince was there too, she was super nice and kept talking to make the awkwardness of me not talking less noticeable. Then a girl put a ton of makeup on me and i went home.
:They put the dress on me some how and then we did R.B.'s makeup and stuff, i would have done everything for her differently but my mom was being herself so i didn't even try. My brother came home with like 15 min. to get ready. We waited for a long time and then left for the church. I was late, big surprise. My God parents though were happy to see me and vice versa. Seeing them and Cassandra and Diego calmed me down a bit.
: My heart though was beating in a very strange way randomly and it had been like that since the night before so Diego and Ivan were worried about me, like for half the day one or the other was with me. I saw Diva and Cree who along with R.B. and Amber were my damas.
:We went in and had the church ceremony and Laila was baptised. Unfortunately babies and children tend to cry a lot when in that particular church, or so I've noticed, so Laila was crying through most of it. She stopped when she stole a butterfly from my bouquet.
:My family disbanded and Diego, Ivan and my Uncle took me back to my grandma's house so they could eat. Only my family and Marino came back with me, which actually kinda hurt, i know its stupid but it did. I'm glad that at least the ones that stayed with me didn't leave me.
:Photo shoot time came and we headed out to the botanical gardens. That was long and i had to think of it as doing a photo shoot for cosplay. For that i was pretty alone which wasn't as bad as it could have been. It was hot and people complained and were tired, most of us didn't go to sleep until like 3am the night before.
:On the way back i had to hold on to Diego's coat to calm myself down and so he showed me a video he took of Marino and my cousin dancing together. I couldn't stop laughing. The party was fun i guess, all of my friends made it and we danced and stuff. People ate, i didn't eat anything that day really, Ivan gave me a plate of rice which i didn't really eat, but dear god did i down bottles of soda. I stressed drank so much after my last dress change. Three of my amazing friends(Cree, Emma, Maddie), one whom i might add has only know me for a few months because of like one class, helped me go to the bathroom and take the dress off twice. We also realized I'd hit that time of the month which made everything all the more awkward.
:Later that night I'd greeted so many people, done both the waltz, family/friends waltz(which ended up being just my uncles and a few male cousins) and the surprise dance, taken to many pictures and was ready to just chill. I took my little cousin and ended up putting him to sleep on my pillow pet. We later took pictures of him holding random objects. Around this time my friends were all either gone or were abandoning me, if you haven't realized i have abandonment issues. My family started to approach me, and it was really nice actually, i had some fun messing with Diego and vice versa. Had fun chasing my kid cousins around with a freaking wand threatening to hurt them because they stole my pillow pet.
I think over all i understand now why mothers always want there daughters to have a quince, its a viscous cycle but to my future self, you have to respect your daughters decision to not have one of there own.
So the day before was a nightmare but i got through it just like the week leading up to it. My contacts were an issue and I've decided i just don't want them. My family hurt me and I'm getting over it. They did.
There were so many dance lesson leading up to it and i now know i shouldn't have asked my friends to do it. They didn't want to so i feel really bad that i made them do it, if i could go back I'd just have talked my cousins and family friends into doing it.
:The day of i got up early and let R.B. sleep in. I got to the salon and picked out what hair style i wanted and a nice girl who was getting ready for her friends quince was there too, she was super nice and kept talking to make the awkwardness of me not talking less noticeable. Then a girl put a ton of makeup on me and i went home.
:They put the dress on me some how and then we did R.B.'s makeup and stuff, i would have done everything for her differently but my mom was being herself so i didn't even try. My brother came home with like 15 min. to get ready. We waited for a long time and then left for the church. I was late, big surprise. My God parents though were happy to see me and vice versa. Seeing them and Cassandra and Diego calmed me down a bit.
: My heart though was beating in a very strange way randomly and it had been like that since the night before so Diego and Ivan were worried about me, like for half the day one or the other was with me. I saw Diva and Cree who along with R.B. and Amber were my damas.
:We went in and had the church ceremony and Laila was baptised. Unfortunately babies and children tend to cry a lot when in that particular church, or so I've noticed, so Laila was crying through most of it. She stopped when she stole a butterfly from my bouquet.
:My family disbanded and Diego, Ivan and my Uncle took me back to my grandma's house so they could eat. Only my family and Marino came back with me, which actually kinda hurt, i know its stupid but it did. I'm glad that at least the ones that stayed with me didn't leave me.
:Photo shoot time came and we headed out to the botanical gardens. That was long and i had to think of it as doing a photo shoot for cosplay. For that i was pretty alone which wasn't as bad as it could have been. It was hot and people complained and were tired, most of us didn't go to sleep until like 3am the night before.
:On the way back i had to hold on to Diego's coat to calm myself down and so he showed me a video he took of Marino and my cousin dancing together. I couldn't stop laughing. The party was fun i guess, all of my friends made it and we danced and stuff. People ate, i didn't eat anything that day really, Ivan gave me a plate of rice which i didn't really eat, but dear god did i down bottles of soda. I stressed drank so much after my last dress change. Three of my amazing friends(Cree, Emma, Maddie), one whom i might add has only know me for a few months because of like one class, helped me go to the bathroom and take the dress off twice. We also realized I'd hit that time of the month which made everything all the more awkward.
:Later that night I'd greeted so many people, done both the waltz, family/friends waltz(which ended up being just my uncles and a few male cousins) and the surprise dance, taken to many pictures and was ready to just chill. I took my little cousin and ended up putting him to sleep on my pillow pet. We later took pictures of him holding random objects. Around this time my friends were all either gone or were abandoning me, if you haven't realized i have abandonment issues. My family started to approach me, and it was really nice actually, i had some fun messing with Diego and vice versa. Had fun chasing my kid cousins around with a freaking wand threatening to hurt them because they stole my pillow pet.
I think over all i understand now why mothers always want there daughters to have a quince, its a viscous cycle but to my future self, you have to respect your daughters decision to not have one of there own.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Short term update
Love girl= what i'm playing. fighting to stay awake. Gonna die filming and then marching band. Not gonna go home much today. Update later. <------ idk when i wrote that.
Now to update fully in short term, today is 8/25/2011. So my summer is comming to an end and such i'm getting bussier. Its to be expected. Lately my life has consisted of babysitting and marching band. I'll post about marching band and comic con and geek.kon and cosplay stuff soon enough. Right now i felt like blogging and writing and stuff so here i am, hi future self! How ya doin babe?
It also occured to you know, start writing to myself in the future. I hope i can write helpful thoughtful things in here for me to read in the future, or have my own kids or grandkids read this.
and if the above is the case, "hey how ya doin lovey's! ;)"
Now to update fully in short term, today is 8/25/2011. So my summer is comming to an end and such i'm getting bussier. Its to be expected. Lately my life has consisted of babysitting and marching band. I'll post about marching band and comic con and geek.kon and cosplay stuff soon enough. Right now i felt like blogging and writing and stuff so here i am, hi future self! How ya doin babe?
It also occured to you know, start writing to myself in the future. I hope i can write helpful thoughtful things in here for me to read in the future, or have my own kids or grandkids read this.
and if the above is the case, "hey how ya doin lovey's! ;)"
Saturday, August 6, 2011
i am 15
I be 15 Today be my bday, but it sucks.
Well of course it did(editing right now). We all celebrated it before so the actual day kinda sucked, i made my self sick of pizza, stayed up watching pointless tv and so on.
Well of course it did(editing right now). We all celebrated it before so the actual day kinda sucked, i made my self sick of pizza, stayed up watching pointless tv and so on.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Talk #15, crashing reality, changes, haitus, depression
So shit went down and San Francisco is out, i don't think he's coming back this time, so we are on our own. And as always i have to be the strong one even though what i really want to do is break down and cry hysterically for all its worth, i want to kick and scream and cling to a kinder reality, but i can't do that anymore.
I know what i'm going to do if i'm left alone, its not the best idea ever, it'll hurt a lot of people, but i know what i'm gonna do.
Life screwed everything over once i was finally starting to look forward to my party and it really sucks, i want to pray to a the greater being but my awareness of my own hypocracy isn't going to let me. I only turn and rely on Him when things head one way to hell.
Well whats done is done, we have to get rid of shit and move somewhere else here in town and its gonna suck, i have to head back to school and try my best, even if it kills me.
As for conventions, ya they aren't going to happen after Geek.kon. I just don't know how it would work and i know there's no way in hell i'll have the money or be able to leave this depression in time. And as for depression, ya its worse then ever since i don't have school or anything to use to escape it... i hardly want to get out of bed and i'm depressing my cats, hobbes keeps trying to escape and nico doesn't leave me except a few times a day and when that happens she leaves hobbes there.
Last night i was thinking back to when i was a kid and had to deal with this shit and how i kept myself alive. I remember i killed my imagination creating this wonderful world where i had this amazing family and there was magic and faries and all sorts of other shit that helped me forget about my own reality. I stayed there for so long it was hard to leave it all behind and face everything else. Everytime i fell asleep and dreampt about it, it was still a hard place to reach, there was always darkness i had to get past. It killed Dark on the inside everytime she had to go there, i'm glad she left it all and hasn't gone back. I tried my best not to cry last night since my mom could hear me if i did, i wanted to cry when i thought back to that and a lot of other things, people, and so much more. I'm not sure how i'm gonna come out of this one... i'm not sure if i'm strong enough anymore.
I know what i'm going to do if i'm left alone, its not the best idea ever, it'll hurt a lot of people, but i know what i'm gonna do.
Life screwed everything over once i was finally starting to look forward to my party and it really sucks, i want to pray to a the greater being but my awareness of my own hypocracy isn't going to let me. I only turn and rely on Him when things head one way to hell.
Well whats done is done, we have to get rid of shit and move somewhere else here in town and its gonna suck, i have to head back to school and try my best, even if it kills me.
As for conventions, ya they aren't going to happen after Geek.kon. I just don't know how it would work and i know there's no way in hell i'll have the money or be able to leave this depression in time. And as for depression, ya its worse then ever since i don't have school or anything to use to escape it... i hardly want to get out of bed and i'm depressing my cats, hobbes keeps trying to escape and nico doesn't leave me except a few times a day and when that happens she leaves hobbes there.
Last night i was thinking back to when i was a kid and had to deal with this shit and how i kept myself alive. I remember i killed my imagination creating this wonderful world where i had this amazing family and there was magic and faries and all sorts of other shit that helped me forget about my own reality. I stayed there for so long it was hard to leave it all behind and face everything else. Everytime i fell asleep and dreampt about it, it was still a hard place to reach, there was always darkness i had to get past. It killed Dark on the inside everytime she had to go there, i'm glad she left it all and hasn't gone back. I tried my best not to cry last night since my mom could hear me if i did, i wanted to cry when i thought back to that and a lot of other things, people, and so much more. I'm not sure how i'm gonna come out of this one... i'm not sure if i'm strong enough anymore.
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